Christian (Roman Catholic)—Kathleen Dwyer
At a very young age Kathleen experienced the death of one of her grandmothers. Later, as a teenager, she mourned the death of her other grandmother who was living with Kathleen’s family at the time. Kathleen saw life as a chain of arrivals and departures. One moved along the chain and then one left.
However, she had never thought of her children dying before her. On September 19, 1998, the unthinkable happened. The heart of her 31-year-old son, Jim, stopped. Jim was revived at a hospital but died a few days later. She described the shock and intense suffering that she and her family went through. Did she feel that Jim’s death was punishment by God? “Never! My God cried with me,” she stated. She found that Jim’s death caused her to think more deeply about such questions as “Where did we come from?” and “Where do we go?” She found great comfort in her belief in resurrection. She quoted the priest and author Henri Nouwen, who said that to speak about death and dying without mentioning resurrection is like speaking about sailing without mentioning the wind.
Kathleen continues to feel surrounded by the love of God, whom she characterizes as the Common Parent who connects us all. She quoted the scripture that tells us to be unafraid, for “I am with you always.” She feels God’s presence in the people who listen to her and who surround her with kindness; she spoke especially of the kindness of the people at Methodist Hospital in Memphis, where her son died.
We live the mystery daily, she said. Evening comes, followed by morning as we arise to a new day. After winter comes spring. Waiting and trusting are the key. She believes that we will all be together again with our Creator in a new way. Where and how is part of the mystery.
Because their son had a serious heart condition that was never diagnosed, the Dwyer family established a memorial fund that seeks to educate others about signs that could lead to sudden cardiac death. The fund also awards scholarships and raises money to place defibrillators in public places. A defibrillator in the café where Jim Dwyer’s heart stopped would probably have saved his life.
Judaism—Mara Sapon-Shevin
Mara characterized Judaism as a religion based on behavior more than beliefs. The Torah is full of rules, including rules about mourners’ behavior. It is the highest honor to serve on the chevra kadisha, or burial society, which is a group of Jews who are knowledgeable in the area of traditional duties and can display proper respect for the deceased. They oversee the mourning procedure.
Jews observe a democracy around death, treating all Jews alike. Wealthy or poor, all are equal before God. The deceased’s body is guarded continually. It is washed in a ritual cleansing and then dressed in a white shroud, called a takhrikhim. At the time of burial, it is carried to the site of the memorial service and then to the gravesite, where the Mourners’ Kaddish is recited.
At all times, great respect is given to the body; there is no alteration of the body, nor is there a viewing. The body is always treated with modesty, with women washing a woman’s body and men washing a man’s body. Usually a body is not subjected to an autopsy, although under certain circumstances, an autopsy will be permitted; some Jews choose to become organ donors.
Loved ones “sit shiva” for seven days. (Shiva is the period of mourning.) They sit on uncomfortable stools and sometimes wear ripped ribbons as symbols of their grief. The Mourners’ Kaddish, a prayer praising and glorifying God, is recited three times a day. People pay a shiva call, bringing food and sharing stories of the deceased. For 30 days after the death, mourners usually refrain from entertainment or social activities. The gravestone is veiled for a year, after which the shroud is removed.
Mara spoke of the role of both humor and superstition in Judaism. Laughter, she said, has sustained Jews through all their struggles. She told of a telephone call from her father-in-law’s doctor’s office, as the family sat mourning her father-in-law’s death. The caller reported how well his physical tests had turned out and what good health he was in. The mourners all laughed because they knew how much he would have loved that story. Even in their sorrow, laughter helped sustain them.
Superstition, Mara said, prevents Jews from naming a child after a living person, so that when the angel of death comes, he will not take the child in place of the older person. Sometimes the name of the dying person will be changed to fool the angel of death.
The above rituals are observed more in the Orthodox and Conservative traditions. Some Conservative and Reform traditions observe fewer of these rituals.
Buddhism—Roko Sherry Chayat
Sherry’s father was killed in World War II when she was only a year-and-a-half old. One of the things that drew her to Buddhism was its understanding of death. Buddhism sees a stream of continuity, a stream of being that takes one form for a while and then moves on to another form. To paraphrase Nouwen (whom Kathleen quoted), “Buddhism without reincarnation is like sailing without the wind.”
Sherry shared a Tibetan Buddhist saying: “No being on earth who has ever lived has not been my mother.” The Buddhist understanding of cause and effect, called karma, means that we are responsible for all beings, since every thought, word and deed has consequences.
Buddhists believe that a person’s consciousness remains for about three days after his or her death. There is a gradual letting-go, a moving into a transitional dimension. During these three days of mind awareness, Buddhists believe that the spirit of the departed one is very receptive, so they chant sacred texts and do everything else possible to encourage a calm and peaceful passage so that the next rebirth will be a favorable one.
Sherry stressed that in Buddhism, there is a freedom from the fear of giving up one’s body. Buddhists try to avoid autopsies or embalming; they prefer cremation as Buddha was cremated. Buddhists chant outside the crematorium; then the ashes are brought to the temple where the funeral is held. The ashes may be kept on the altar for 49 days, at the end of which a memorial service is held. By this time, it is believed, the consciousness, or mind-energy, has taken on a new form.
Sherry recommended a children’s book, The Mountains of Tibet, for a good explanation of Buddhist beliefs about death and reincarnation. Another recommended book is Sogyal Rinpoche’s Tibetan Book of Living and Dying.
Islam—Danya Wellmon
Danya lost her daughter, Sara, this past winter. She stated that Muslims believe that everything created by God dies. However, the soul faces no death; it is transitioned to the hereafter. The soul is placed in the baby before birth by two angels who stay with the person throughout his or her life.
For there to be justice, there must be accountability. Accountability starts at puberty. The prophets have shown Muslims how to live in obedience to God. Therefore, a Muslim strives to be obedient and, at the time of death, rests in the hope of God’s mercy.
When the angel of death comes, the soul leaves its earthly body. The soul goes to the seventh level of heaven, where God is and where it is reunited with other family members. An evil person’s soul goes to Hell. Only God knows who will be punished.
For the persons left behind, death is only a temporary separation. Muslims believe that “from God we come and to God we return.” They believe that the person who dies can continue to reap rewards after death.
Muslims are buried quickly. There is no embalming, and autopsies are avoided. The body is washed and shrouded in 100 percent white cotton cloth, with only Muslims handling the body. Women wash a woman, and men wash a man; either may wash a child. A husband or a wife may wash the other. Modesty is observed, even if a body must go to the coroner’s office.
The body is placed in a pine box put together with pegs rather than nails. It is taken to the mosque, where prayers are said. Then men carry it to the burial site, where more prayers are recited as the body is lowered into the ground, head slightly elevated and facing Mecca. Danya characterized the whole ritual as quick and simple.