The meeting was opened by Betsy Wiggins, who conveyed Danya Wellmon’s appreciation for the many expressions of sympathy received from WTB members over the death of her daughter, Sara Wellmon. Many members have wanted to help in some way. Betsy reported that the family’s greatest need is for assistance in caring for Sara’s baby daughter, Makayla.
Betsy then introduced the members of the panel, who spoke about their religious tradition’s—and their own personal—beliefs about marriage.
Islam—Magda Bayoumi
Marriage is very sacred, and the families are closely involved. The man and woman write and sign a contract stipulating what each of them wants from the other. The husband usually wants the wife to be faithful to him and to be protective of his name. The wife, on the other hand, can spell out various requirements from the husband-to-be, such as:
• A mahr, or dowry, which is the money that the man gives the woman before the marriage
• An agreement that she can finish her education, and the type of support she will have after marriage
• A requirement that her husband, while married to her, will not take another wife without her consent (In Islam a man can marry up to four wives.)
• How much money her husband would have to pay her in the event of a divorce
The Prophet advised, however, that a woman should not emphasize materialistic demands, but rather should desire to marry a good man who will treat her well. Magda herself chose to not ask for money. Money from the mahr goes to the wife, and the husband cannot touch it. If a woman inherits money, she can keep it; if a man inherits money, he must share it with his wife. The woman can represent herself or appoint someone else to represent her in writing the contract. The couple has to announce their marriage three days after they have lived together.
Some Islamic marriages are arranged, but this is more a part of the culture than of the Islamic faith. If any of the parties does not approve of the arranged marriage, the marriage does not happen.
Judaism—Joan Burstyn
Joan emphasized that she was speaking from her personal experiences of her own marriage and of marriages of family and friends. Judaism does not approve of celibacy; it considers marriage important and a sacred contract. Both parties in a Jewish marriage must be Jewish. There are now some interfaith marriages, but most rabbis will not perform interfaith marriages. Civil marriages are discouraged but recognized. In ancient times, Jewish marriage had two stages—betrothal and consummation; in the first century of the Common Era, these two stages came together.
The bridal couple, their parents, and the rabbi stand under a movable bridal canopy, or chuppah. Wine is blessed and sipped twice to symbolize the betrothal and the wedding. The groom traditionally places a ring on the bride’s finger, although now there are many double-ring ceremonies.
The marriage contract, or ketubah, is witnessed and signed by two men. Often the ketubah is framed and hung on a wall of the couple’s home. Traditionally, at the end of the ceremony, a wine glass is wrapped in a cloth and stepped on to break it; this signifies the fragmentation of the Temple by the Romans in 70 ce. After the ceremony, the bridal couple breaks their fast. There are certain days on which marriages cannot be performed. Some rabbis will perform same-sex marriages, and Joan shared her experience of a very beautiful wedding ceremony between two lesbians.
Divorce is also an ancient tradition. In Orthodox and Conservative Judaism, divorce can be initiated only by the husband; in Reform Judaism, the wife can initiate divorce. In order for a Jewish widow to remarry, her husband’s body must be identified. This was why it was so important, for example, to retrieve the remains of the Jewish astronaut who died in the space shuttle Columbia disaster.
Christianity (Quakers)—Ann Goodgion
Quakers, or members of the Religious Society of Friends, believe that each of us is sacred. Each person possesses an “inward light,” which is defined as “that of God” in each of us. “Plain speech,” often associated with Friends, arose because one person, by his or her title, was not to be elevated above another. Thus, Mr. or Mrs. is not part of a person’s name. The familiar terms thee, thy and thou, formerly used by Quakers, have faded from common usage.
Quakers believe in continuing revelation. Seeking the Spirit is very important, and this discernment is done in community. Friends do things by consensus, which takes a good deal of time.
Some Meetings have approved same-sex unions. The issue has not arisen in the Syracuse Meeting.
Marriage is seen as a covenant between the marrying partners in the presence of God. Although there is no officiator at a Quaker marriage, Quakers have developed a marriage certificate that is recognized in all states. The certificate is signed and beautifully written out within the confines of simplicity.
When a couple decides to marry, they write a letter to the Meeting. A committee meets with the couple to discuss issues that the couple will face in their marriage. These clearness committees are used to help Friends become “clear” about major life decisions, not just membership and marriage.
Christianity (Roman Catholicism)—Nancy Sullivan Murray
The history of the Roman Catholic Church, like that of every institution, has both a dark side and a bright side. Nancy characterized Vatican II, with its liberating message, as the bright side. She was married before Vatican II, whereas her children were married after Vatican II, and their experiences were very different. She and her husband were given no marriage preparation by the Church.
Marriage is both a social contract and a social sacrament in the Catholic Church. At the marriage ceremony, there must be at least two witnesses, who are supposed to be members of the Church and are expected to support the bridal couple. The Church now insists on Pre-Cana preparation; this is a series of meetings involving the bridal couple and a married Roman Catholic couple, with the latter focusing on issues that the former will face.
Nancy believes that growing up in a community of faith is very important. She recalled the passage in Matthew in which Jesus was taught by the elders in the Temple and “grew in favor with God and man.”
She read a blessing from the Catholic Missal stressing that not only should the couple be blessed, but their union should become a blessing to others and to the world as they seek to make the world a better place. Only two of Nancy’s eight children have married within the Roman Catholic tradition. The others have had interfaith marriages, and Nancy told of her Irish Catholic grandmother’s lace tablecloth being used as the chuppah, or canopy, in the marriage ceremony of one of her children.
Buddhism—Bonnie Shoultz
Bonnie has been a member of the Zen Center for six and a half years. A Buddhist couple meets with the abbot before they are married. At the wedding, their families offer incense and have places of honor. The Heart Sutra, which celebrates Buddha’s nature in each of us, is chanted by all who are present. The celebrants and the community join with the couple to symbolize the interconnectedness of all of them. The abbot invokes the protection and support of their ancestors.
The bridal couple state their vows, including refuge in
Buddha, in dharma (one’s righteous duty or spiritual path), and in sangha (community).
They promise to refrain from all evil and to practice what is good. They recite
the ten precepts and make a commitment to follow the most ethical and aware
path of life. They make a statement of commitment to each other and exchange
rings.