Phoebe Vitharana was born and raised in the United States. She has been married for ten years to a man who was raised in Sri Lanka. She and her husband met at the international club of a small Midwestern university. Drawn to his sense of humor, she also liked the fact that, having grown up in a Buddhist country that had at one time practiced socialism, he had a broader cultural perspective than she did having grown up in the US.
Phoebe presented several vignettes capturing some of her memories of life spanning two cultures. She and her husband enjoy traveling together, and one of their favorite countries to visit is Mexico. Phoebe fits in well because she speaks Spanish, and her husband fits in well because of his complexion. When she asks for directions in Mexico, the person often responds to her husband, assuming that he knows Spanish because he looks more Mexican than she does. When they are shopping, a store clerk will often assume that they are not together.
Phoebe and her husband were married in a small wedding in the US; a year later, they were married for the second time in a much larger ceremony in Sri Lanka. Phoebe was not prepared for her Sri Lankan wedding, which was planned by her mother-in-law while she and her husband were touring the country. The ceremony took place in a hotel where a lovely altar had been built. Both Phoebe and her husband were surprised when drummers showed up for the wedding. Phoebe wore a beautiful sari, but her husband and most of the other men wore western clothes. Phoebe’s mother, who had never been out of the US, was able to attend and described the wedding as being like a National Geographic event. Phoebe said that although intercultural marriages were uncommon in her mother’s generation, her mother has always been open-minded and has handled Phoebe’s marriage well.
Phoebe observed that whereas it is often said that opposites attract, she feels that opposites know what to respect in each other and what to accept as being different. She pointed to many similarities in her and her husband’s personalities, such as their love for travel and the value they place on higher education. They have supported each other as he earned a PhD and as she works toward her second master’s degree.
Arlene Baker, who became a Muslim in her 30s, was born in the United States. She and her husband, who was born a Muslim, were married in Jordan two and a half years ago. Her marriage has had both trials and blessings as well as many challenges. Shortly after they were married, Arlene had to return to the States because of her teenaged son. Her husband came here later, but because he went to work with his brother who does not reside in Syracuse, she and her husband have been together less than a year of their marriage. In Jordan, this type of separation is not uncommon because men often must travel far from their families to find work. Not only are there cultural differences between her and her husband, there is also an age gap: He is ten years younger than she is, and he wants to go out with his unmarried friends, whereas most of her friends are married.
Despite the difficulties, there are things that have held them together, including their shared of love for their religion and their love for family. Her family, which is Southern Baptist, has had to cope with her conversion to Islam as well as her marriage to a Muslim. His family was very excited about their marriage, and Arlene feels torn between her family in the United States and her family in Jordan.
Tuya deWaal Malefye was born and raised in Mongolia. She comes from a very close family and has had many international relationships. Tuya speaks Russian, English, German, and Spanish in addition to her native Mongolian. She has had many Russian and German friends and was acquainted with intercultural marriages because, she said, German men like Mongolian women. She worked for the Mongolian government in an international medical organization. Since coming to the US, she has traveled in 37 different states. She likes the diversity of the United States and came to Syracuse because her mother’s best friend, who accompanied her to the WTB meeting, lives here.
Tuya met her American husband three years ago at their church in Jamesville. They were engaged for a year and have been married for seven months. He is studying medicine and completes her in many ways.
Judy Antoine grew up with missionary parents in Chile. Immersed as she was in two cultures, she has always been comfortable in mixed relationships. Her husband grew up in Haiti and immigrated to the United States in 1969. They met in Mexico as students, he in architecture and she in Spanish literature. Having grown up in Chile, away from the racism of the US, Judy had no reservations about dating a person of African descent. She assumed, incorrectly, that her parents would not have a problem with this either. When her mother found out, however, she cried and cried, fearing what Judy’s and her husband’s lives would be like if they moved back to the States and worrying about the children they would have. Judy and her husband were married first in Mexico in 1973 by a justice of the peace and later in New York. Her mother wrote a beautiful poem on the occasion of their marriage. Later, Judy found a very moving journal article that her mother had written about the experience; the article was in the form of a letter to God and was intended to be revised and submitted to Guideposts and Family Circle. In it, Judy’s mother affirms Judy’s choice, knowing it was right, but fearing the pain that Judy and her children would suffer because of the racial prejudice of others. To Judy’s knowledge, the article was never published.
Judy’s husband’s family accepted her with no reservations. His parents had an intercultural marriage, his father being of Lebanese heritage and his mother being full-blooded Haitian. Several of their daughters had married Caucasians from the US. Even though the family embraced her openly, times with them were difficult for Judy because they spoke Creole, which she could not understand, and so she felt left out. Only after several years of pleading by their son did they agree to speak English (which they knew how to speak) in Judy’s presence.
In 1974, Judy and her husband moved here so that he could finish his architectural degree at Syracuse University. Suddenly, her warm, affectionate husband became very conscious about any physical contact with her in public because of the cold, judgmental stares they received from others. After unsuccessfully trying to rent an apartment in Baldwinsville, they settled on Syracuse as their home. It was very difficult for Judy to witness the change in her husband’s self-esteem. She found herself in two worlds: one as a white woman where she would hear racist jokes, the other where she witnessed the pain and degradation that her husband and children had to endure.
Judy feels lucky to have raised her children in Syracuse because there are many biracial couples here. Her husband, however, is not only black but was raised in a different culture. He has worked very hard to be accepted by the African-American community and now is respected by many. Her son had black friends in elementary school and college but not in middle or high school. It has been difficult for Judy to watch her children be different and be treated differently.
A year and a half ago, Judy’s college-aged daughter announced that she was converting to the Islamic faith. As Judy has struggled with her daughter’s conversion, she has come to realize that her mother must have had the same feelings when Judy married. Judy’s husband worries about their daughter’s safety, as Judy’s mother worried about Judy’s. It is difficult for Judy to see people stare at her daughter dressed as a Muslim. Judy has cried over the pain that she herself suffered from being different and that her daughter will now suffer as well. Yet she also knows that her life has been enriched, and she would never trade it for another. Her husband and children have shown her what it is like to live as a minority in this country, and they provide a different way of seeing the world. The challenge has made her a better person.